This afternoon, a friend apologized for being rude lately and gave me a gift. Her apology was sort of shruggish, as if she was saying, “oh, it really wasn’t me.” It got me thinking, though. By accepting this gift, was I accepting the way that she has been talking to me? Was I condoning my own abuse? Was I giving her permission to continue?
I tend to be pretty quiet about my negative feelings. Whenever I try to express them, I get in trouble. So, this gift giver had to just look at her increasingly ridiculous behavior and realize that she was being stupid. And also, she tends to speak to me like an idiot in front of others. Perhaps another friend said a little something. In any case, here she was with a card and a sheepish, “Sorry I’ve been picking on you, but I haven’t only been picking on you.”
I have a rule that I’ll only be pals with people who make me feel good. Once you start to make me feel like shit, I’ll get rid of you. I told her that when she handed over a gift card. She’s reading this now, probably, too. But really, I’ve had friends and others who made me think of myself in a negative way. So, oh giver of gift cards, if you want to keep me as a friend, you really need to cut it out. You can’t buy me with plastic.
But this post isn’t about her, it’s about what accepting that gift, no matter how small it was, means. Hve I said that it’s ok? Did I say that I can no longer bring it up? I don’t want to hash it out with her or anything, as I am not good at that in the best of circumstances. I would like to know that she will make an effort to change in the future, to think before she speaks. But I need to do that, too. This was recently pointed out to me by another friend. Arrrgh, I hate being a grown-up.