I don’t know where bad moods come from, I just know that they tend to be finding me a lot lately. Today, I looked out at my class and did not feel cheerful. I did not feel encouraging. I did not feel as though everyone was putting in a good faith effort to look for a career. I felt like they were stealing my energy and my life.
This makes me think that the time has arrived for me to look for other employment. Perhaps I’ll find a job grant-writing. Maybe someplace needs an editor. Maybe I can even piece together a living writing freelance for magazines. I don’t know. I just need something. Something that will keep me going. Something that doesn’t make me angry and sad and down all at the same time.
It could be a tiny change. I could handle working a similar job if only people had made the choice to be there. When people choose to come to you, they have a certain amount of oomph. They want to be there, they are energized. When people are forced to work with you, they are understandably angry and resentful.
Here is what I think of when it gets really hard. I had a client once who really wanted to be there. She had asked to be put into our program way before she needed to. She had gone out and really looked for a job. I helped her apply to a trade school. This week she walked in the door to show me her certificate. She has completed school and is a manager at a local store. It felt good to see her, and I was so happy that she has made it. This is a girl who I can recall pulling me back to my office to tell me that she was considering suicide. Now, her life is full of things she has, things she thought would always be out of reach. It was wonderful to see her so full of life. She was radiant.
The next day, a person who is in class started with excuses as to why he can’t start his new job. He is having transportation issues, but he won’t take the bus (he claims it only gets there at noon. Express busses never only go somewhere at noon.), he won’t let us drive him there. Grrr. He’s been drinking again.
This is zapping the creativity from me. I am having trouble writing, trouble focusing. I am tired and my head is full of damp cotton. Perhaps this long illness is making it harder on me. In a few days, I’ll be happy again.