Whenever the seasons change, I start to feel like I need to change my life. As spring starts every year, I go on a lot of dates. Whenever summer approaches, I start to think about nutrition and local food. With fall fast on the wind, I want to change my job or just the trajectory of my career. I want to go back to grad school, I should write more. I’ve been working on a short story. I’ve been considering the Peace Corps. When winter starts, I’ll diet in earnest. I lose lots of weight every winter. I also write a lot. I think I write to fill in the spaces where leaves have dropped.
Another new search that found me: so you think you are in love, huh?
Perhaps they were looking for a benchmark, words from the hopelessly infatuated to convince themselves that they were not actually in love. The “huh” makes me think they are skeptical. This person is skeptical about their love. They think it is a weakness. They think that they are being silly. Or perhaps this is a person whose lover is in love with him/her, but they don’t feel the same.
Last night, just before she fell asleep, she heard what he said beneath his breath. She didn’t sleep all night. She did not make breakfast this morning as she usually does. He is surprised and unfulfilled by the absence of pancakes and bacon and strawberries. She rushed him out the door. She questions girlfriends. They all say he is great, she should be in love. Her mother left her father, though, and she knows that she inherited a certain inoculation against love. And so, she turns to google.